This blog has made me a very positive person when it comes to trying to conceive. Sure, I usually cry at the end of every cycle but I think that is normal, I'm able to pick myself back up and try again.
The end of my tenth cycle really bothered me because I'm getting so close to that year/12th cycle mark and it's sinking in that I have no idea how long life will be this way. It's crazy to think about because I have days where I am so terrified to actually be pregnant, give birth, have my whole life change but then a second later, I'm crying because I want all of those things so bad. Why is this process so cruel?
Let me back up a little and tell you about the end of my tenth cycle of trying to conceive. My husband has not been working Fridays so he usually sleeps in with our pups while I go to work, I get off a little early but I hate when he is off work and I'm not! I asked him a pretty simple question and I didn't like the tone in which he answered my simple questions so I started an argument over it, silly, silly, me! My husband brought up (carefully) that he thought my period was about to start because I get this irritable a few days prior each month. Once he said that, it hit me that this cycle was over. It made total sense and he was right, my period would be starting.
I still had a pregnancy test left over from the month prior and I decided that I would take it on Saturday morning, at ten days past ovulation. I've seen plenty of women get clear positives at 10 DPO so I thought why not. Well, you can see in the photo above that I did not get a positive pregnancy test. I was prepared for a negative but that didn't stop me from sobbing. I went and layed down with my husband, started small talk and then (without looking at him) told him that the test was negative. We sat in silence and I started to cry, he just held on tight to let me know that he was right there with me. I cried all morning on and off, this one was hitting me so hard and I couldn't put it into words.
I had some anger along with my sadness. This month my dad asked when he would be getting grandchildren and I used that as a transition to ask him how long it took my mom and him to get pregnant. I don't have a relationship with my mother so I couldn't talk to her about it. He said that they got pregnant the first try, three times. One of those ended in miscarriage but they got pregnant again the month after the loss. This made me so angry because my mother is not someone who should have had kids, she wasn't a compassionate and loving person, so it bothered me that the universe or "the big man upstairs" would make it so easy for her. It made me angry because given the chance to be a mother, I do a lot better than she did.
I told my husband that I wanted to do something, I couldn't be indoors which is odd for me because I love to clean the house on Saturdays and watch Netflix. Without asking questions or saying anything - he agreed to do whatever I wanted to do. We went to a nearby park that had a large walking trail and took a stroll together where we talked about so many random things. It was so nice to just walk and talk and look at nature. We don't do that often.
We talked about our disappointment and my sweet husband shed a few tears, which is so unusual for him. He said that it really hurt him that we kept talking about "When we get pregnant", "when we have a baby,"etc so we decided to try really hard to not talk about it so often. I agreed that it made it harder because you imagine this life that you have yet to create.
I've suffered from anxiety since I was a teenager but with the year mark creeping up, my anxiety is really strong. I'm anxious to be labeled infertile which makes me feel bad because so many women that I mean struggle with infertility. I always wonder if that year mark made them feel this way too. It just seems like a turning point in your journey. I know that I need to go ahead and make doctor's appointments, make a plan for the next month, but I don't want to stress.
My sweet husband went above and beyond this weekend to make me feel better, even though I bet he wasn't feeling that great either. When he is that sweet and caring and "nursing" me back to my usual happy self - I get so sad because I know he would make such a great dad and I just want to give that to him.
I'm going to let all of the negativity go and move forward with cycle eleven. I keep thinking that there are women who have and are going through so much more than I am and although that doesn't diminish my journey it does make me think about what's ahead of me. I hope to look back at these tough months and just laugh at how I should have relaxed and not stressed out so much. It's all about timing, we just have the timing a little off!