What if I am Pregnant This Month?
We've all been there. We work so hard to try and get pregnant and we want it so very badly but we have that moment where we stop and think, "what if this is the month and what if at the end of it, I am pregnant" and then you get a flash of your future, how you are going to tell your husband and family, how you are going to feel, what child birth will feel like, etc, etc. C'mon - you can't tell me that I am the only one!
Honestly, I have suffered from anxiety since I was 16 years old and I am 25 years old now, still struggling but it's gotten easier. Whenever I have had that feeling like "Oh shit, what if I'm pregnant" - don't get me wrong, I will be thrilled and crying from excitement because I want this baby more than anything but it's totally normal to be afraid.
I listen to a few podcasts that have to do with pregnancy, child birth, and parenting because I am a researcher. I love to know exactly what I am getting myself into at all times so by listening to these podcasts - I am prepping myself for my (hopeful) future of being a mother. The podcasts that I listen to are Hello Bump (now called Hello Baby) which is a podcast hosted by Matt Lanter (90210, Timeless, Pitch Perfect 3) and his blogger wife, Angela Lanter. They take you through every week of their recent pregnancy and just rebranded their podcast to Hello Baby because they are going to continue the journey as parents which, I love. Their podcast was so honest and gave me a lot to look forward to. Another one is "Babes and Babies" hosted by Bachelor alums, Jade, Liz and Carly - this is a new podcast but they recently did an episode about post-baby and sex when pregnant, nursing and post-baby which I found a little eye opening and it started some conversations with my husband.
I am not ashamed to say that I am scared of being pregnant and child birth because well, I have never done it before. This is brand new stage in life for me and I was just as afraid to start trying to conceive. I think that the issue is, we try every month and have had seven months of negative pregnancy tests so at this point - we feel discouraged. It feels unreachable. So the thought that "oh my god, I could be pregnant" comes around - I panic. It's really lame but the thought that always calms me is thinking my body was made to do this. It was actually designed to carry and birth children. Sure, it's going to hurt but millions and millions of women do this and do it multiple times. I just think about that moment when you meet your child for the first time and it literally brings me to tears. Even typing those words makes me tear up. I'm not even past the first part of this "life stage" and I want that moment so badly.
If you've read my last few posts, then you know that we tried Pre-Seed for the first time this month. It's our eighth month trying to get pregnant and man, I am hoping that Pre-Seed did the deed. A girl in my support group got pregnant this month, it was her seventh month trying and she used Pre-Seed for the first time so I am crossing my fingers that will be my story too!
Thanks for reading this post, I know it seemed a little all over the place but the point of this blog is to write how I am feeling because I know that there is a woman out there who feels the exact same way.