Let's Do This, Cycle Eight

I haven't really written much from my last post in my seventh cycle until now. The reason being, I am still confused and was hopeful that I had conceived last month even though I told you guys that I was moving on mentally and going to consider myself TTC for 8 months. I just hate saying, typing or thinking that because truth is - I have no idea how hard this was until we started to do it. I thought that it will take a month or two maybe but I never realized how difficult it was to get pregnant in general.

My bleeding/spotting/early period (see, I don't know what to call it) started on February 7th and ended on February 11th. According to my GLOW app, my fertile window began on February 15th and ends today, February 21st. I did purchase Easy @ Home OPKs and Pre-Seed for this month because with my early period, I don't know how it will affect ovulation for this cycle and I don't want to go into this cycle blind. Even though OPKs really stress me out and put a lot of pressure on my sex life with my husband, it's worth a shot so I can make sure I am trying on all the right days.

I've been testing every day for four days and yesterday, February 20th - I felt that I had a slight surge. Or it was predicting that the surge would be happening soon. But then I tested today - and it doesn't look as dark as yesterday's did. Also, yesterday's test has gotten lighter but I don't know if I can trust that since it's been 12+ hours since testing with this strip. I hate this so much! Do you see how this stresses me out? Sure, I could go out and purchase the easy smiley face ones but they are expensive and I have spent so much money on pregnancy tests, pre-natals and everything else. What if I buy them and I'm not pregnant.. AGAIN. It's just frustrating. Yesterday, I started to feel slight cramping and I was bloated, which could be an ovulation sign. Today, my back hurts and I'm still bloated. I just keep doubting myself when it comes to symptoms because every month I swear I feel a lot of symptoms and then I'm not pregnant, so it makes me wonder if it was all created in my head.

It's silly but I really was hopeful that I had conceived last month and maybe I just wasn't getting a positive test yet. Today is 14 days since the bleeding/spotting/early period began and I know that some women don't get positives until 2 weeks past conception and if that blood was from implantation, wouldn't I have a positive test? I just think I am going a little crazy.

I took a pregnancy test on Monday and it was negative. I have one more test left at home and I keep telling myself that if I don't get the surge for ovulation on Friday, I can test Saturday morning with the first pee of the day. By entertaining this idea that I could still be pregnant from last cycle, I think I am setting myself up for even more devastation. It's almost like I am in denial that I'm in my eighth cycle of trying to get pregnant.

I guess at this point, all I can do is wait for ovulation. Normally, I feel my symptoms right as my GLOW app says I'm ovulating but this month that hasn't lined up perfectly so I'm just a little worried that all this time, I haven't been baby dancing on the correct days.

I just wish this would get easier. I am so ready to get a positive test and grow our sweet little baby!

If ya'll stick with me, I promise not to constantly rant. I don't know what has gotten into me with these last two posts. Stay tuned for a post about my dates, when I took OPKs, pregnancy tests last, etc. I am putting together a great post with photos and everything so it can show some of you what these OPKs look like and how to read them.