What Time Has Taught Me

Now that I am officially in my twelfth cycle of trying to conceive our first little baby C, I've reflected on the last 12 months/cycles because I've learned a lot. I've not only learned a lot about my body, my cycle, my wants and needs, but I've learned a lot about myself and my marriage with my husband. All are really good things but I've learned a lot and although this time has been hard and trying -- at least something good is coming from it.

Looking back, if I had gotten pregnant the first month that we tried to conceive, I would currently have a 3-4 month old baby and that blows my mind to think about because I wouldn't have been "ready." Ever since cycle ten, I've felt more ready with every cycle and it's a weird feeling. I just feel like I'm in the place where I feel one-hundred percent ready to have a child. Was there a turning point for anyone else? It's nice to feel ready but that also makes the "not conceiving" part hurt a lot worse. For the last two months, I've had this pain in my chest that just won't go away. I'm constantly wanting to be pregnant knowing that a life my husband and I created will arrive soon, and that' not my reality yet. 

How does one cope with that feeling? 

There was a moment at the end of cycle nine or ten where I remember breaking down to my husband because I "missed who I was before I started trying to conceive" and that's a feeling that has stayed with me for awhile. Before we started trying, I thought about our future and I couldn't wait to have kids but I knew that it wasn't the time and that it would be awhile. I was really good at keeping the house clean, I feel like I physically felt better more often than I do now, I ate whatever I wanted, I didn't have to focus on the cycle day or when my next period was, etc. Now, my life is only focusing on my fertility and my cycle and it's so exhausting. The person I am now is all about planning the next "romantic evening" with my husband, buying OPKs, Pre-Seed, etc, etc. I just miss how simple my life use to be and it's sad to think about how consumed I am with conceiving. It's been twelve months since I last saw that version of me, which makes me really sad. Although I feel like I'm not the same person I was before, I'm thankful for the time because I've learned a lot about my body. I learned that the random stomach aches I use to get a few weeks after my period, was ovulation. It sound silly but at twenty-four, I didn't really know all of this stuff. Sure, I knew how babies were made but that was really the extent of my knowledge. It sounds ridiculous but I seriously thought you could get pregnant whenever. I even heard the myth once that you are most fertile during your period. What. A. Joke. 

That breakdown was a hard day for me because I felt so defeated. As I still do. I give up so much of myself and get nothing in return and that is difficult. I've downed pineapple after pineapple, drank a gallon of pomegranate juice, cut out caffeine, cut out chocolate, the list honestly goes on and on. It's natural to want something in return when you give up so much and I haven't been getting that. I don't think my husband understood all that goes into it "behind the scenes" until that moment.

And that brings me to talking about my marriage. This twelve months has taught me so much about my marriage and my partner that it would take me all day to tell you all that I've learned. From the moment of that breakdown on, my husband has been my shoulder to cry on. He's even been a good sport about me showing him OPK and asking for his opinion, even though he still has no idea what the hell he is looking at. He didn't know that I couldn't eat certain foods, or that I had to take OPKs twice a day, what cycle day means what, etc. And that's partially my fault because I assumed that it wouldn't matter to him therefore he didn't need to know about it. Once we had that moment together, it all changed mentally for me. I use to feel so alone in the process because I was the one doing everything but now, I can be open and honest and I know that I am not doing this alone. I mean, I kind of need him to do this at all. He has helped me a lot with my anxiety when it comes to trying to conceive. He lets me vent, teaches me patience, and even tries some of the healthy foods that I make at home that are "fertility friendly". Those little efforts mean so much to me.

I think that if I would have gotten pregnant twelve months ago, I would have been forced to be ready. And since then I started a new position where I am making more money and have amazing benefits so I am in a much better place now than I was then. I would have loved to be pregnant whenever it happened but I feel like over the last few months -- I've felt like I am one-hundred percent ready. I use to have a moment of panic before taking a pregnancy test because I thought "oh my gosh, what if it's positive" because the thought of child birth was so scary. Time has made me eager for that moment and has helped me appreciate what a woman goes through to conceive and birth a child because from the very beginning, it's an incredible journey. I think when the moment comes for me to be pregnant and one day birth my child, I'll be so ready to meet baby C that the pain won't matter. Nor will the time I spent crying over not having him/her. It's all about timing and maybe all of the little swimmers were just never the one.

I'd love to hear with how you coped with hitting the year mark, I go back and forth from crying and looking forward to getting answers (hopefully). Thank you for reading this lengthy and almost rambling post. I'm so fortunate to be in this community of women who understand me.